Overcoming Me: Body Image and Self Love Part Deux

I took a little hiatus last week because I was on vacation with my main squeeze in Maine. (Sorry James, I know how much you love being mentioned

:) ) It was oh so needed, and we had been waiting a year to spend a full week together. So if you by chance missed S.A.L.L. while I was away, have no fear I'm back and renewed. <3

While I was away I got some bad news, it took a toll on my heart but I was determined (and encouraged) to try to enjoy myself and be as positive as possible. I think we've all been there, it's hard and at times it hurts like hell, but in the end trying to find things that make you happy help you pull through even if it takes a bit. (A little note to my friends who also went through this, know that I'm sending love and hugs your way <3)

Being in Maine was exactly where I was supposed to be to keep my spirit lifted when it could be. We walked along the beach at sunset, tried new foods, swam, went to new places, it was everything I had been waiting for and more. (I am in no way trying to brag, just stating how grateful I am to have the experience.)

There was one thing that held me back though throughout this whole vacation, and you know what I hate to say it, it was me. I bought new clothes, I bought new shoes, I even bought a new bathing suit (more on that in a bit...) but no matter what I wore all I could think of was how bad I thought I looked. I've packed on a few pounds over the past year (all the weight I lost last year: insert sigh here) and I still feel uncomfortable with my body. I'm not the biggest I've ever been but my face is noticeably rounder and my jeans fit where they were once baggy. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about people. I'm not into my fat clothes but I'm also not in my skinny clothes, I'm in this weird in between. Pick one body, good heavens! (P.S. my body is literally one of the weirdest things in the entire world. I get sick from everything and can bloat up to 8lbs, I've even got to 10lbs before. It's the worst lol)

Anyways, during my vacation I found myself constantly looking at other people. "Oh my goodness she's beautiful, I bet she's looking at me and thinking how gross I am...", "ugh, why didn't I wear the sweater to cover my arms?" "I packed shorts but oh hello dark wash jeans..." And it didn't matter how much James told me how beautiful he thought I was or how no one was looking at my arms or my legs for that matter, I didn't believe I was beautiful so that all fell to the waste-side.

Now, self-love is something I struggle with daily. I know that I should love everything about me and I want to, but I don't just yet. Every day presents the challenge of finding things I love about myself. So I decided that I was going to do something I hadn't done since I was 17 years old...I wore a bikini. Yup, I made the bold choice to put my chubby size 16 body into a two-piece. When I bought it I knew exactly what I was doing. I was putting myself in a position where I would have to be confident, I would have to love me a little more than I have been and boy-oh-boy it was a challenge.

The day we decided to go to the beach I flat out told James I wasn't doing it. I was going to wear my tankini and call it a day, but after talking it out and reminding myself why I bought it in the first place I put it on. I felt shrouded in dread during our walk from the car to the beach. I wore a black maxi dress to cover the secret I was hiding beneath. And then it was time. We were unpacked, the chairs were set up, the umbrella was placed and there was nothing left to do but disrobe so I could put on the SPF 50 we had brought. I tried to avoid it, but the sun was beating down on us at a hot and humid 90 degrees. After some encouragement and a little whining, I shrugged off my dress and stood awkwardly showing the most skin I had in over 10 years.

I waited for people to snicker or make comments. I looked around anxiously expecting the worst...but nothing happened. There was no mob, no torches or pitchforks, if anything I don't think anyone even truly noticed. It was strange, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I had James take a picture to document the occasion and sent it to my family. I got nothing but compliments. The caption read "I did it…" and when one of my siblings replied they said "did what?" I was so confused. I thought it was so obvious that I had taken a huge step showing some of my waistline, but it turns out it wasn't as crazy as I thought. One of my family members even said "I wish I had your confidence." Again, I was shocked. "Me confident?" I quite literally thought when I took my dress off and walked the beach someone was going to make a joke about getting a harpoon, but I didn't get that at all. People went about their day, they swam, hung out with their families, the only time I felt the least bit uncomfortable was when I remembered what I was doing. To be quite honest, in the moments I didn't question myself or have self-doubt I felt liberated, and I actually felt beautiful, it wasn't what I expected at all.

I decided to make this a moment for me to remember and learn from. This is actually kinda scary for me but I made the decision to share that photo with all of you. The way I see it, if we can't find beauty in ourselves how will other people in the world. My mission is to spread beauty and love wherever I can in the world. How can I do that if I don't try and see that within myself? I challenge all of you to try something that is going to better yourself this week. No matter how big or small. I know that doing this and overcoming this fear helped me when I really needed it. So come on, try it. Do something that'll make you a little stronger when you feel weak, a little brighter when there's nothing but rain, and help you love YOU just a little more. I promise you won't regret it. <3

#LoveYOU #SelfLove #SpreadALittleLove #DoOneThing #Challengeyourself #Trytofindlightinthedarkness